Kelly watch the stars

I am a goat.
I can't help it, like a twelfth of the world's population I have no choice in the matter. I could have been a mighty lion, a scuttling crab, or even a set of scales (I'm not really sure how that one works), but because I was born in January I am forever destined to be a bleating Capricorn.
It is a source of utter bewilderment for me that in these modern days of science (as the Victorians used to say) there still exist people who take horoscopes seriously and think that the time of the year they popped into this world dictates whether they will have a 'successful day for relationships on Wednesday'.
It was with great displeasure therefore that upon picking up a copy of a certain commuter free paper (I'm not sure why journalists are always this coy about naming other publications, it's not as if people are unaware the Metro exists) I was greeted by the following prediction for my day:

"Today is a quiet and steady day for you, good for getting lots of mundane work out of the way. Not the most exciting of days, but, hey, we can't all live in a soap opera."

I mean really! If you're the kind of fantasist who looks to these columns to tell you how your pathetic life may be improved the least the writer could do is provide a little escapism - your classic 'tall dark stranger' or the like.
With this in mind I have stared deep into the tea leaves, surfed my ouija board, consulted Uranus and compiled my own 100 per cent guaranteed accurate horroscope (events in your life may differ from those predicted, but we can't all be perfect):

Cancer

My God, look at yourself man/woman! You're dressed like a Victorian detective and there's a dead butler in your pantry. Jupiter's presence in the Caramac System and the Sweeney's presence in your house foretell a long trip abroad.
Lucky typeface: Wingdings.

Leo

You will become stuck in a time loop today. You will become stuck in a time loop today. You will become stuck in a time loop today. You will become stuck in a time loop today (now start reading at the beginning again, for this bad joke to get worse).
Lucky sea creature: Narwhal.

Virgo

The tiger you locked in your bathroom last night is only getting angrier as its hunger grows. That door is not going to hold much longer and besides, little Ginny really needs the toilet. It's time to face your problems like a man/very masculine woman.
Unlucky cause of death: Mauling

Libra

Storm clouds gather as you reopen old rivalries, just don't start anything you're not prepared to finish. Pick a window - you're leaving.
Lucky initials: T K.

Scorpio

Don't leave the house. No, really don't go out, not even to pop down the shops. I've seen what will happen if you do and it's horrible, you don't even want to know. I mean it, it's really nasty. I was sick, and not a little bit - it had me awake all night in a cold sweat.
Lucky TV show: Jeremy Kyle.

Sagittarius

It is a little known fact that absolutely no one is born between November 23 - December 21, so no Sagittariuses (Sagittarii?) exist. Therefore there's no point me writing this as no one will read this. Ho hum.
Lucky car: Seriously, just move on and read your own sign.

Capricorn

You will start an ill-fated parody of star signs which, although it may appear fun to begin with, will eventually drag on and on and you will run out of ideas about halfway through. On the plus side check your desk draw - you left some biscuits in there last Friday and you've forgotten about them.
Lucky assailants: astrologers armed with bricks.

Aquarius

This is the dawning of your age (sorry!). Today is a good day to ask out that colleague you fancy. They'll say no but you might as well get it over with.
Lucky drink: A pint of gin.

Pisces

Honestly, how many of these signs are there? I don't know, er, you'll find a million quid and become queen of Siberia. It's guaranteed to happen so get spending now (a one way tickey to Siberia would be a good start).
Lucky time: Four hours ahead.

Aries

You will meet a man, or a woman, or a bear, who you will like, or dislike, or be ambivalent towards. You will marry this person, or have a pleasant conversation, or be eaten by the bear. This will be a good day, or a rubbish one, or quite good with the occasional low. On the other hand you might not meet anyone, you may just stay in.
Lucky colour: The rainbow.

Taurus

Try not to panic, it's difficult being the Prime Minister. Just because no one likes you and you're losing popularity hand over fist that's no reason to stop telling yourself that you deserve to be where you are. Why not try that 10p tax thing again? That was a lark.
Lucky by-election: The signs aren't good.

Gemini

Thank ye gods, at the end at last! Don't look at me like that - just do what you like. You're your own human being, it doesn't matter what I write here your day will be exactly the same. Start taking responsibility for your own actions and maybe you wouldn't be so miserable - star signs are made up, why not believe in something real?
Lucky stuff: Rabbits foot, four-leaved clover, St Christopher's medallion and bag of ducks' eyes.