November 2008 Archives

I surrender.

I am emerging from behind my notepad, feebly waving a pair of white Y-fronts on a stick and keeping my hands where they can be seen (there's a joke here which can't be made on a family website).

I can no longer maintain my clearly outmoded idea that you need facts, sources or even a shred of the truth to publish stories. I have spoken in a previous post about my dislike of the fashionable "wicked whisper" style celebrity pieces in various national, and city-wide papers. But after reading this morning claims that a female celebrity has decided to dye her pubic hair white to resemble Santa's beard I have decided that there is no depths to which they will not sink, and if you can't beat them, join them.

I present therefore for your consideration my own series of insider gossip taken from my new column 3am Whispers from the Molehill:

• Which occasionally hat-wearing musician is not an individual, but actually one of identical sextuplets who are all linked by an extremely long umbilical cord? The singing six take it in turns to perform in the spotlight, with the cord wrapped in kitchen foil to look like a microphone lead, while the others wait in the wings sipping Vimto and eating Penguins.
• Which blonde bombshell has fallen in love with a performing bear? After meeting at the circus the petite princess has spent several nights in the paws of her new furry friend. However, she must hide her ursine love in case her betrothed Coco finds out and she causes the tears of a clown.



• Which trainer-sporting rapper has spent a sizable chunk of his new-found wealth on making an unusual addition to his crib? The hip hop homeboy was so concerned with showing off his bling he bought a shark tank to go in his living room wall. But, instead of housing a finned friend in the cavity, the uzi lover has had a tiger fitted with a scuba tank and has named his fishy feline Gaspy.



• Which children's television presenter doesn't take drugs? The kids' favourite spends absolutely no time partying until 4am in Soho bars, has no wild S&M romps with prostitutes and has never been papped with lumps of cocaine stuck in his nostril. Sources close to the star reveal he is considering spending Christmas at his mums.



• Which oxygen-breathing rocker is actually a wizard who created society as we know it? The fantastic front man lived with the dinosaurs until a spell went wrong and he killed them all, accidentally spawning modern man in the process. He's now working on a Christmas single after getting out of rehab.



• Which newspaper magnate is actually three separate monkeys in a cleverly designed human suit? The press proprietor will frequently relax after meetings by letting her inner chimps loose to cycle around boardrooms on unicycles or share a lovely cup of tea. Unfortunately when it comes to important decisions the crouching chimps and hidden monkeys have the combined business sense of, well, three chimpanzees.

Okay, I'm a bad blogger, I've been away and I didn't tell you all. At the very least I should have left some sort of forwarding number that you could call if you're in emergency need of random drivel, but like I said - I'm a bad blogger.

In my defence the last bit of absence was unplanned as I was struck down with some kind of nasty plague that most lesser mortals would probably work into a spiffing book featuring deep thoughts on mortality and the triumph of modern medicine over colds.

But previous to that I had a week off during which time I helped my sister and her fledgling family move house. This includes my sister, my incredible 11-month-old niece who has somehow made me tolerant to babies, well at least her, and my sister's partner (this makes it sound like they're in a legal firm together but I'm still waiting for this whole area of nomenclature to let go of the Victorian era).

Moving they say is one of the most stressful things you can do, but this move is in all a good thing. Previously the gang (as I'm sure they would like to be known) had been living with my parents, so this buys a valuable amount of independence, showing they can go it alone.

Of course by moving they may be costing themselves a little more, but if you look at it the benefits are obvious:

• They are both nearer their work, so if anything suddenly happens there they can be there quickly to find out what's going on.
• It is a lot easier for them to keep in touch with friends in the area, who can just drop in and see them for chats about what's going on.
• They can set up a base in a community where my niece can grow up and people will recognise them as part of that community, as they will see them there every day.
• They won't constantly be interfered with by demanding elders, who may mean well but have clearly lost the plot and can make life a whole lot more difficult.
• They will be a lot better off than families who may be doing the same job but having to live a lot further away, and they will be able to do their jobs a lot better as a result.

So all in all, you would have to be some kind of money-grabbing lunatic with the long-term vision of an amnesiac blowfly to think that my sister and her brood not living in their new home was a good idea.

Sorry to be do self-indulgent, chatting on about my family like this, but everyone knows if you treat family well they will be happy with you in return. I suppose I should try to give you a little newsroom insight to keep this blog on the theme which it is supposed to prescribe, but having been away so much recently I fear I don't have much to say.

There is one thing I guess you should know - if you want to write to me, or any of the other Harrow Observer team, please note the address is now:

Harrow Observer
Gazette House
28 Bakers Road
Uxbridge
UB8 1RG

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