That's not my name

I surrender.

I am emerging from behind my notepad, feebly waving a pair of white Y-fronts on a stick and keeping my hands where they can be seen (there's a joke here which can't be made on a family website).

I can no longer maintain my clearly outmoded idea that you need facts, sources or even a shred of the truth to publish stories. I have spoken in a previous post about my dislike of the fashionable "wicked whisper" style celebrity pieces in various national, and city-wide papers. But after reading this morning claims that a female celebrity has decided to dye her pubic hair white to resemble Santa's beard I have decided that there is no depths to which they will not sink, and if you can't beat them, join them.

I present therefore for your consideration my own series of insider gossip taken from my new column 3am Whispers from the Molehill:

• Which occasionally hat-wearing musician is not an individual, but actually one of identical sextuplets who are all linked by an extremely long umbilical cord? The singing six take it in turns to perform in the spotlight, with the cord wrapped in kitchen foil to look like a microphone lead, while the others wait in the wings sipping Vimto and eating Penguins.
• Which blonde bombshell has fallen in love with a performing bear? After meeting at the circus the petite princess has spent several nights in the paws of her new furry friend. However, she must hide her ursine love in case her betrothed Coco finds out and she causes the tears of a clown.



• Which trainer-sporting rapper has spent a sizable chunk of his new-found wealth on making an unusual addition to his crib? The hip hop homeboy was so concerned with showing off his bling he bought a shark tank to go in his living room wall. But, instead of housing a finned friend in the cavity, the uzi lover has had a tiger fitted with a scuba tank and has named his fishy feline Gaspy.



• Which children's television presenter doesn't take drugs? The kids' favourite spends absolutely no time partying until 4am in Soho bars, has no wild S&M romps with prostitutes and has never been papped with lumps of cocaine stuck in his nostril. Sources close to the star reveal he is considering spending Christmas at his mums.



• Which oxygen-breathing rocker is actually a wizard who created society as we know it? The fantastic front man lived with the dinosaurs until a spell went wrong and he killed them all, accidentally spawning modern man in the process. He's now working on a Christmas single after getting out of rehab.



• Which newspaper magnate is actually three separate monkeys in a cleverly designed human suit? The press proprietor will frequently relax after meetings by letting her inner chimps loose to cycle around boardrooms on unicycles or share a lovely cup of tea. Unfortunately when it comes to important decisions the crouching chimps and hidden monkeys have the combined business sense of, well, three chimpanzees.