March 2009 Archives

If I told you I felt pheromonaly and spiritually compatible with you would you let me interlace our digits?

Or, in other words, if I told you I loved you would you let me hold your hand?

The beauty of the English language is that there are many ways you can express yourself and describe everything from a glorious sunset to a tiny atomic particle. The downside of this though is that you can use a lot of pointless words to say absolutely nothing.

The Local Government Association recently published a list of 200 words and phrases which councils should avoid using, as they are considered jargon.

Having trawled through my fair (and often unfair) share of unreadable council agendas I agree wholeheartedly with this list, but why stop at local authorities? With one great push we could remove objectionable phrases such as 'blue sky thinking' or 'thinking outside the box' from usage all together.

And while we're at it I've got a few more choice bits of our lexicon which I think myself and the other Word Police (all self-appointed) could crack down on. I'm not necessarily saying these words and phrases should be banned completely, just not used in ways that make you want to drop pianos on the orator:

Basically - Nobody who starts any statement or explanation with the word 'basically' ever goes on to actually say anything basic. This word normally precedes a long, incomprehensible rambling, which could so easily have been edited down to one succinct sentence.

Inappropriate - This word has been misappropriated so much it no longer holds any meaning. It is a favourite tactic among cowardly politicians to accuse people of being 'inappropriate' when said people are doing something they don't like - normally objecting to, or pointing out flaws in, their ideas. This tactic means the accuser doesn't have to explain what they don't like about the other's actions, and it saves them from having to address any issues which may have arisen as a result.

exciting - Jumping off waterfalls is exciting. Learning to fly a plane is exciting. Fighting a genetically engineered giraffe-eagle hybrid is exciting. Rolling out strategies, compiling spreadsheets or completing workstation safety assessments is not exciting, and it never will be, however much you repeat the word.

Needless to say - If something really is needless to say then you don't need to say it do you? Simple.

These are just a few of my suggestions for inclusion on the list. I haven't quite decided what punishment should be prescribed to misusers, but I imagine it would involve a dictionary and that bizarre eye-opening device from A Clockwork Orange.

Feel free to add your suggestions below and together we can create a better, more intolerant world.

You are the future of journalism.

That's right, take a moment to have a good look at yourself, hunched over your keyboard, your empty cereal bowl at your side, wondering if you can get away with another day's wear from those pants. No? Okay, just me then.

But anyway, look at yourself, because you are where it's at. In the words of that modern master of poetry Bryan Adams 'Everything we do, we do it for you'. So what better way to please you than to let you in on the news?

Online news is all about interactivity. The ability of readers to add their comments to a piece allows it to grow and expand in all variety of ways, for the whole worlds to see. And further than that we now ask you to send us pictures, videos and songs. The news is yours to own and shape, but are you up to it?

In case you're worried I have compiled this simple quiz to help you answer the burning question:

ARE YOU A JOURNALIST?

1) How do you dress?

a) In a grey mac and fedora, with a little 'press' card tucked in your hat band.
b) Smartly, shirt and tie, suit jacket when required.
c) I am in every piece of clothing all the time.
d) Always naked.

2) You witness a car crash, what do you do?

a) Quickly whip out a camera and take pictures of the injured parties then try to force your way into the ambulance to get quotes.
b) Call 999 then see if you can help. When everyone is out of danger talk to witnesses and get their numbers for later.
c) I see everything, this holds as much interest to me as a fly stuck in jam.
d) Carry on chewing, stare blankly as the emergency services arrive.

3) You have to knock on the door of a family who recently lost their teenage son. The mother says she doesn't want to talk about it and is about to close the door. What do you do?

a) Shove your foot in the door and tell her you won't leave until she talks to you. Offer her a load of cash, because that makes up for a dead son.
b) Tell her you understand, give her your card and say that if she ever does want to do a tribute to her son you will be happy to help, then walk away.
c) Smite her.
d) Panic, kick the door down, run through the house into the back garden and churn up the lawn.

4) Police are hunting a serial killer on your patch, how do you approach the story?

a) The killer rings you with enigmatic clues which you refuse to pass onto the police for the sake of getting a scoop. You end up hunting down the murderer to an abandoned warehouse where you kill him yourself in a dramatic standoff.
b) Work with the police to put out descriptions of the hunted man, put out appeals with victims' families and follow the trial when he is eventually caught.
c) You know who the murderer is, but it is his free will to kill, so you don't interfere.
d) You sit down - it looks like rain.

5) You are sent photos of a top celebrity caught having sex with a cow. The celebrities agent rings up saying their client is suicidal and will kill himself if you run the story. What do you do?

a) Splash the pictures all over the front page - the suicide will make a nice follow-up story.
b) Agree not to publish the pictures but ask the agent for exclusive interviewing rights in return.
c) You knew about it already - you see all.
d) You feel funny and you can't sit down any more.

6) You suspect your local mayor is an international drug dealer. What do you do?

a) Your paper funds you to follow the mayor around the world, where you stay in the best hotels, gathering evidence. Eventually he realises you are on his tail and you get embroiled in a savage gun battle at the dock of a Colombian drug-dealers hideout. You escape by leaping into the water as conveniently placed barrels of fuel explode around you.
b) You gather as much evidence as possible from your office and take it to the police, asking for exclusive inside information on the story as a reward for your help.
c) You unleash a series of plagues upon the town, including a rain of badgers, little mould patches on all the bread and the disappearance of everyone's left shoe.
d) You follow your brothers happily into the back of the truck driven by the nice man in the white hat and apron. You wonder where you're going - on a nice adventure perhaps? Or to the seaside?

So, how did you do? Check your answers below to find out:

Mostly As - you are Hollywood's unbelievably ridiculous portrayal of a journalist. You wouldn't last five minutes in the real world of reporting, you're probably better off going in search of the lost island of dinosaurs.

Mostly Bs - Congratulations! You are well on your way to becoming a real journalist. Now you just need to develop a healthy aversion to money.

Mostly Cs - You are God. Please don't smite me, I've been good (that doesn't count - I had had a long day and that tree has been threatening to fall over for months, how was I supposed to know about the flamingo enclosure?).

Mostly Ds - You are a cow. Admittedly a very intelligent cow who can somehow read, has wi-fi access and can operate a keyboard and mouse with hooves. But you are a cow nonetheless and unfortunately there's not many openings for farmyard animals in print journalism, try television.

Mostly Es - You've been doing the wrong quiz. Even the cow was more intelligent than you.

Something terrifying is happening and nobody seems to have noticed.

All the signs are there - we're suffering a miserable recession, the IRA are killing people and Michael Jackson is preparing for a sold-out tour.

That's right, our worst fears have happened - we're back in the Eighties!

Somehow Great Britain has become stuck in a time loop and my fear is it will spread to the rest of the world.

Now, I know that the recession isn't limited to our own corner of the world, but imagine if this hideous Eighties epidemic were to spread as voraciously. We must all be on alert, from the global authorities to the man (or woman) on the street. As a public service I have decided to compile a list of early warning signs to keep an eye out for:

• A mass congregation of bricklayers in central Berlin.
• Any of the following being funny: Eddie Murphy, Steve Martin, Dan Ackroyd, Ben Elton, Chevy Chase (in fact if you spot Chevy Chase being funny at all something has probably gone terribly wrong).
• Balding drummers and Geordie guitar prats somehow being considered as the purveyors of cutting edge music.
• Pointless groups of islands in the middle of nowhere with a population of about four being described as 'strategically placed' by our government and the Sun.
• Extra-strength hair gel selling by the bucketload.
• The birth of a boy who, although outwardly appearing to be an awkward geek, of the ilk which could make a good web editor, may well be the new messiah.
• Thatcher standing firm atop a pile of exhausted pit workers holding a school milk bottle out of the reach of a thirsty toddler.
• Noel Edmonds and his buffoon pal Cheggers creating unwatchable television in a studio packed with baying morons.

Admittedly the last one has already happened (I would say check out Noel's HQ, but really please don't), so we may already be too late.

The problem is, now we have diagnosed the disease we have to find a cure. My suggestion - we force the Nineties to arrive early (or late, depending on how you look at it). So run out now, buy a hoody, a whistle and some baggy jeans, I'll call Shaun Ryder and I'll meet you all down the Hacienda. Mad for it!